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A Special Day

Funny Bud — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 17:48:23 +0000

Over breakfast one day, a woman asked her husband, “You don’t know what day this is do you?”

Feeling that his love for her was being questioned he answered in a huff, “Of course I do! How could you accuse me of forgetting?” With that he kissed her and left for work.

Later that morning, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, a flower delivery guy handed her a box of a dozen beautiful pink roses. Early that afternoon, a silky gift wrapped box of her favorite fancy chocolates were delivered to the house. Later in the afternoon, the local jeweler dropped off a little box with the most beautiful diamond earrings. By early evening, the woman couldn’t wait for her husband to get home. As soon as he walked through the door she ran up to him and kissed him full on the lips.

“You wonderful loving man you,” she declared. “First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the earrings!” she exclaimed. “If you treat me this wonderfully on World Environment Day, I can’t wait to see what you’ll do for our anniversary!”

Familiarity

Funny Bud — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:47:34 +0000

An extremely drunk man walks into a bar. He looks around for a while and, after staring at the only woman seated at the bar for some time, stumbles over to her and kisses her full on the lips. Shocked and outraged, she jumps up and slaps him hard. He apologizes immediately and explains, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. I love my wife and you look just like her.”

Not convinced of his innocence the woman yells,” I don’t think you love anyone but yourself, you stupid, useless, crazy, drunk!”.

“Wow this is amazing,” he hiccups, “You also speak just like her.”

Love

Funny Bud — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 17:42:42 +0000

A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company’s annual Summer Party. He can’t even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.

The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.

Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: “Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, “Your loving wife”.

The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. “Jess… what happened last night?” The man asks, with some trepidation.

“Well, you came home around four o’clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge.”

Baffled, the man asked Jessie, “Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?”

“Oh that, Jessie replies, “Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, “Leave me alone, I’m married and I love my wife!’”

Perfect Match

Funny Bud — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 17:40:59 +0000

Brad had been dating Elaine for months and had fallen in love with her. After much planning and hand wringing, he finally managed to screw up his courage long enough to declare his love and pop the big question.

“Being a bachelor is great,” Brad began, “but in every man’s life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows.”

Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine’s eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, “What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!”

How to Find Love

Funny Bud — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 18:00:10 +0000

A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, “Bartender, please help me. I can’t take this anymore.”

The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, “What’s bothering you sir?”

“Well, bartender, I’m 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away.”

“Don’t worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, “I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy”. If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.

The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender?s advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.

“What?s the matter, sir, wasn?t my advice effective?” asks the bartender.

“Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I’ve had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I?ve ever met.”

?I don?t understand. What’s your problem then?”

“Oh, I don’t have a problem anymore,” the man says. “My wife?s the one with the problem now.”

Catch The Rabbit

Funny Bud — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 12:05:55 +0000

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Sons

Funny Bud — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 08:05:32 +0000

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

“My son BIll,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.”

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. “George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift.”

The third man’s son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased with how my son turned out,” he replies. “For 15 years, Frank’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.”

Parking The Car

Funny Bud — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:59:27 +0000

A businessman walks into a bank in San Francisco and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $7,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.

So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $7,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.67. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little confused. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What confuses us is why would you bother to borrow $7,000?”

The businessman replied, “Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for $20 bucks?”

Writing A Check

Funny Bud — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:37:50 +0000

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!”

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

“Yes,” the wife said, “I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”